Life has been pretty interesting lately. New things have happened, old things have resurfaced and some current things still remain. Vague, I know. Where shall I start?
How about I start with the super-duper superficial?
saturday night, I colored my hair for the very first time. It's taken me years to bring myself to do it. The end result? Well, folks, looks like this hair is too dark for "Color in a box" hair coloring. Sigh. It was a fun process with some fun folks to help me!! Thanks Linds, Nikki, and Hope!
For all you men out there, when a woman does something to her hair, there is usually some kind of meaning behind it. Now, as to what meaning that actually is, that's always up for debate. It could be good, it could be bad. As for the meaning behind my adventures is changing the style of my hair, well, I'll leave that up for debate.
Lately I have also flirted with the idea of getting braids. In all my 25 years of life, I have never had braids in my hair. I've always had my own hair and a lot of it and never thought to put fake hair in my hair. So really, you all will just have to wait and see what I do here in the next few weeks.
Moving right along...
I graduated from Vineyard small group leadership class!! What's up leadership class 07!! I had a really great time getting to know others who have a heart/desire to be small group leaders. I learned from the people I went through class with and can't wait to see where God takes them, as well as me.
I want to follow God wherever he takes me. Being a leader/being a leader at JH is not something I want to do in order to "be cool" or "fit in" or "be popular". I'm not looking for rewards; not looking to climb any kind of leadership ladder, if one exists. I desire to be developed as a leader for the glory of God, growing in intimacy with God as well as sensitivity to God's spirit. I'm looking forward to living life along side of women and developing them as well.
So here we go!!
Today, I found a special spot at the church to go and sit with the Lord. I usually find myself there at least once during the business week because a client of mine lives near the church. I'll usually hang there for an hour before my meeting. Today was different. I didn't have a meeting, as my client couldn't make the appointment. I just wanted to get away; find a quiet place to be still. God lead me to a nice little room where I could do just that. It's been a journey to once again find time to just sit with Jesus. But I know that he wants me to want him. I'm thankful that God is drawing me back to him...my heart has missed him.
Well, there you have it. Just a small piece of my world for you to read.
Have a wonderful night!!
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
To Live is Christ, to die is gain...
I must be honest with you, in all my readings of the bible, specifically with the Apostle Paul's writing, I cannot honestly say that I've been able to identify with everything that man of God went through. He was beaten, nearly drowned, imprisioned, dragged out of the city and humiliated. The list really goes on and on. Yet over the last month or so, perhaps even longer if I really admitted to it, I've grown more to identify with Philippians 1:21...
"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."
Have I suffered as Paul has suffered? Praise God, I have not at this point in my life. Yet every day I return home from work; every time I return home from spending an hour with a child who has been emotionally abandoned or suffers from lack of love; every day that my heart experiences more personal pain than the day before; when I realize life keeps on going and I can never go back; when I feel like everything is futile; that's when I begin to think of this verse.
I've personally been struggling with the purpose of my life. And when I get consumed with all the things I mentioned in the previous paragraph, I think about dying a lot. It's easy to convince myself as of lately that my life is totally purposeless, pointless, a waste of time. I am so finite. I am tired of living in this fallen world. I'm tired of the walls that occur between brothers and sisters in Christ, I'm tired of sinning against God and my brothers and sisters in Christ, I'm tired of oppression, I'm tired of not being able to feel loved at all, I'm tired of performance, I'm tired of the walls of the Church being so high--not because the bible says to build them but because of finite humans. I'm tired of seeing kids stuck to become a product of their surrounds, I'm tired of injustice. I want to go home, to be with the Lord. But a paradigm exists within me. I know eternity is set in the hearts of man. I know I desire to be with Christ. Yet I am afraid of eternity because I don't know what it looks like. I am so finite.
Yet...
" If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more neceessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I willr emain and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow.." Philipians 1:22-26a
What shall I choose?
I'm so thankful that God has given us His word to turn to in trials and seasons of all kinds, whether great or small.
"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."
Have I suffered as Paul has suffered? Praise God, I have not at this point in my life. Yet every day I return home from work; every time I return home from spending an hour with a child who has been emotionally abandoned or suffers from lack of love; every day that my heart experiences more personal pain than the day before; when I realize life keeps on going and I can never go back; when I feel like everything is futile; that's when I begin to think of this verse.
I've personally been struggling with the purpose of my life. And when I get consumed with all the things I mentioned in the previous paragraph, I think about dying a lot. It's easy to convince myself as of lately that my life is totally purposeless, pointless, a waste of time. I am so finite. I am tired of living in this fallen world. I'm tired of the walls that occur between brothers and sisters in Christ, I'm tired of sinning against God and my brothers and sisters in Christ, I'm tired of oppression, I'm tired of not being able to feel loved at all, I'm tired of performance, I'm tired of the walls of the Church being so high--not because the bible says to build them but because of finite humans. I'm tired of seeing kids stuck to become a product of their surrounds, I'm tired of injustice. I want to go home, to be with the Lord. But a paradigm exists within me. I know eternity is set in the hearts of man. I know I desire to be with Christ. Yet I am afraid of eternity because I don't know what it looks like. I am so finite.
Yet...
" If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more neceessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I willr emain and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow.." Philipians 1:22-26a
What shall I choose?
I'm so thankful that God has given us His word to turn to in trials and seasons of all kinds, whether great or small.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Life keeps on going...
I saw two good friends of mine get married this weekend. It was a beautiful wedding, really.
I saw a friend of mine at the wedding. This friends of mine played such a vital role in my life regarding healing deep rooted wounds. We got really close in college; our friendship was refreshing and encouraging, healthy and thriving. I didn't think such a friendship could occur between male and female. I really did look at him like an older brother despite the fact that he was so much smaller and short than me. He went away for a year to serve Christ, returned to the U.S. engaged to the woman of his dreams, a woman I had hoped he would marry, and eventually got married.
Things change. I knew it had to once he started dating and eventually married his wife. But I noticed at some point after returning home and thereafter that things really changed between he and I. In fact, I really didn't notice it that much. It didn't really bother me that he stopped returning to my emails or didn't really talk to me whenever we saw each other sporatically.
I remember sending him an email inquiring about his life and marriage as I routinely did every couple of months. As normal, I didn't receive an email for a while. When he finally responded, he explained without giving much reason, that the lapse in time between emails and the limited interaction we had was quite intensional. He stated that he had distanced himself from me on purpose and for a reason. And he ended the email stating that such behavior, from his end, would continue but that he didn't mind if I continued to send him emails concerning my life from time to time, as I had done over the last couple of years.
What?!
My initial response was quick and fiery. I didn't understand. What had I done wrong? Why did someone I cared about so much decide to distance themselves from me? Why didn't he tell me? My friends witnessed my despair regarding the situation. There was something that wasn't being made know to me. I was encouraged to "think the best of him" during the time when nothing was said. I won't lie, I was terribly wounded.
I had often heard it stated the deep friendships between men and women cannot really take place. I fought hard to disprove that theory. But in this situation, i began to lose hope that such a friendship could really occur. I had also heard that in most of such male/female friendships, one party always ended up liking one another. I thought to myself that surely this could not be the case in this particular situation.
I was wrong.
My friend did respond and explained that in one point in our friendship, he had considered pursuing me. However, things worked out for him and his now wife, and that was that. He had distanced himself after marriage for the protection of his own marriage. He knew that dangers of engaging in emotional affairs and thusly, distanced himself from me.
Things have never really been the same since. I don't feel as wounded now that I have knowledge of the situation. I feel honored that someone as amazing as him thought about pursuing me for a date. I can't say I ever felt the same for him. I respect him so much for making the decision to distance himself from me for the sake of his marriage. His relationship with his wife is one that I really look up to a lot. I no longer have that friendship I cherished so much, but I understand why it has to be this way.
It was nice to see him at the wedding and to talk for a few minutes.
Although life goes one, I still question whether or not deep friendships can happen between men and women.
Open for thoughts...
I saw a friend of mine at the wedding. This friends of mine played such a vital role in my life regarding healing deep rooted wounds. We got really close in college; our friendship was refreshing and encouraging, healthy and thriving. I didn't think such a friendship could occur between male and female. I really did look at him like an older brother despite the fact that he was so much smaller and short than me. He went away for a year to serve Christ, returned to the U.S. engaged to the woman of his dreams, a woman I had hoped he would marry, and eventually got married.
Things change. I knew it had to once he started dating and eventually married his wife. But I noticed at some point after returning home and thereafter that things really changed between he and I. In fact, I really didn't notice it that much. It didn't really bother me that he stopped returning to my emails or didn't really talk to me whenever we saw each other sporatically.
I remember sending him an email inquiring about his life and marriage as I routinely did every couple of months. As normal, I didn't receive an email for a while. When he finally responded, he explained without giving much reason, that the lapse in time between emails and the limited interaction we had was quite intensional. He stated that he had distanced himself from me on purpose and for a reason. And he ended the email stating that such behavior, from his end, would continue but that he didn't mind if I continued to send him emails concerning my life from time to time, as I had done over the last couple of years.
What?!
My initial response was quick and fiery. I didn't understand. What had I done wrong? Why did someone I cared about so much decide to distance themselves from me? Why didn't he tell me? My friends witnessed my despair regarding the situation. There was something that wasn't being made know to me. I was encouraged to "think the best of him" during the time when nothing was said. I won't lie, I was terribly wounded.
I had often heard it stated the deep friendships between men and women cannot really take place. I fought hard to disprove that theory. But in this situation, i began to lose hope that such a friendship could really occur. I had also heard that in most of such male/female friendships, one party always ended up liking one another. I thought to myself that surely this could not be the case in this particular situation.
I was wrong.
My friend did respond and explained that in one point in our friendship, he had considered pursuing me. However, things worked out for him and his now wife, and that was that. He had distanced himself after marriage for the protection of his own marriage. He knew that dangers of engaging in emotional affairs and thusly, distanced himself from me.
Things have never really been the same since. I don't feel as wounded now that I have knowledge of the situation. I feel honored that someone as amazing as him thought about pursuing me for a date. I can't say I ever felt the same for him. I respect him so much for making the decision to distance himself from me for the sake of his marriage. His relationship with his wife is one that I really look up to a lot. I no longer have that friendship I cherished so much, but I understand why it has to be this way.
It was nice to see him at the wedding and to talk for a few minutes.
Although life goes one, I still question whether or not deep friendships can happen between men and women.
Open for thoughts...
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
The many facets of me...
If you've stumbled upon this blog thinking you'll find it chalk full of pop culture references; if you've stumbled across this blog thinking it will be filled with deep philosophical thoughts about the orientation of the universe, guess again. If you've stumbled upon this blog, you'll simply get me.
The awkward thing is, I'm still trying to figure me out.
I'm tired tonight, yet I cannot sleep. It happens quite frequently. I blame my headache and the constant stream of thoughts passing between the left and right side of my brain. What shall we talk about, friend? What shall I express to you tonight through my words? Sometimes, i actually take this blog thing so seriously that I ask God to lay something on my heart to share, just hoping one person will be encouraged, inspired, or helped.
Why don't I share my heart for community.
First, I must state that I've come to the conclusion that no matter how good community is right now in my life, i'll never be satisfied on this side of heaven. My ideas, thoughts, passion, desires, needs for community will continue to be grand dios and lofty dreams of the vision I constantly see before me of what amazing biblical christian community could look like. Forgive me should my ideas offend you. Feel free to discontinue reading at any point. I invite you to stay.
Community. Koinonia. Living life along side one another...what a beautiful and hope-filled picture God gives his children while they live here on this earth. Upon the initial conversion, we are encourage to continue to "walk it out" until the day God calls us home. This "walk it out", so to speak, goes beyond a simple call to spend your 1.2 hours alone with God in His word in the morning. It goes beyond the occasional prayer you might happen to utter as you drift to sleep. To "walk it out" includes "walking it out" with others. Sharpening, spurring, exhorting are just a few words that come to mind when I think about community with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I'm not talking about flattery of words: as those are nice, but flutter away in the wind in a blinking of an eye. I'm talking about the speaking in truth with grace and love; i'm talking about the loving each other in all our dirty; I'm talking about the sitting around the dinner table and discussing life with it's joy and hardship. I'm talking about the freedom to confront sin and trusting that you'll be more holy, as He is holy, when all is said and done.
Community is such an amazing concept.
The awkward thing is, I'm still trying to figure me out.
I'm tired tonight, yet I cannot sleep. It happens quite frequently. I blame my headache and the constant stream of thoughts passing between the left and right side of my brain. What shall we talk about, friend? What shall I express to you tonight through my words? Sometimes, i actually take this blog thing so seriously that I ask God to lay something on my heart to share, just hoping one person will be encouraged, inspired, or helped.
Why don't I share my heart for community.
First, I must state that I've come to the conclusion that no matter how good community is right now in my life, i'll never be satisfied on this side of heaven. My ideas, thoughts, passion, desires, needs for community will continue to be grand dios and lofty dreams of the vision I constantly see before me of what amazing biblical christian community could look like. Forgive me should my ideas offend you. Feel free to discontinue reading at any point. I invite you to stay.
Community. Koinonia. Living life along side one another...what a beautiful and hope-filled picture God gives his children while they live here on this earth. Upon the initial conversion, we are encourage to continue to "walk it out" until the day God calls us home. This "walk it out", so to speak, goes beyond a simple call to spend your 1.2 hours alone with God in His word in the morning. It goes beyond the occasional prayer you might happen to utter as you drift to sleep. To "walk it out" includes "walking it out" with others. Sharpening, spurring, exhorting are just a few words that come to mind when I think about community with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I'm not talking about flattery of words: as those are nice, but flutter away in the wind in a blinking of an eye. I'm talking about the speaking in truth with grace and love; i'm talking about the loving each other in all our dirty; I'm talking about the sitting around the dinner table and discussing life with it's joy and hardship. I'm talking about the freedom to confront sin and trusting that you'll be more holy, as He is holy, when all is said and done.
Community is such an amazing concept.
Monday, July 23, 2007
20 something...
My name is Janara. I'm a believer in Jesus Christ. I'm black. I'm 25. I'm single. My job is in the realm of Social work.
Information for a dating ad? Nope.
As the world continues to turn around me, as wars continue to rage in every part of the world, as our great nation continues to be the richest in the universe, as children continue to starve in Africa, as women continued to be oppressed, as the media continues to infest our minds with negativity, I'm constantly aware of who I am and what I've become, fully confessing that I have NO IDEA what I'm doing of where I'm going next.
Mid way through my 20's, I've grown to have a love/hate relationship with this phase of my life. Though it is true that I've been places and done things during this chapter of my life that I never dreamed would happen, I also find myself impatiently waiting for what is next to come. It is in the waiting that I've come to hate my 20's. It's in the blessings that I've grown to love my 20's.
Monday, August 23, 2004
Seriously
Seriously, has anyone seen my sock?
So I really only created this account so I could post comments on P-Ditty's blog...I have my own blog at www.xanga.com. Look for Jiggawalker or something like that. Or just add me to your aol Buddy list as "Tobygirl00" and the link is on there.
And I'm done with you.
Janara
So I really only created this account so I could post comments on P-Ditty's blog...I have my own blog at www.xanga.com. Look for Jiggawalker or something like that. Or just add me to your aol Buddy list as "Tobygirl00" and the link is on there.
And I'm done with you.
Janara
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