To Live is Christ, to die is gain...

I must be honest with you, in all my readings of the bible, specifically with the Apostle Paul's writing, I cannot honestly say that I've been able to identify with everything that man of God went through. He was beaten, nearly drowned, imprisioned, dragged out of the city and humiliated. The list really goes on and on. Yet over the last month or so, perhaps even longer if I really admitted to it, I've grown more to identify with Philippians 1:21...

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."

Have I suffered as Paul has suffered? Praise God, I have not at this point in my life. Yet every day I return home from work; every time I return home from spending an hour with a child who has been emotionally abandoned or suffers from lack of love; every day that my heart experiences more personal pain than the day before; when I realize life keeps on going and I can never go back; when I feel like everything is futile; that's when I begin to think of this verse.

I've personally been struggling with the purpose of my life. And when I get consumed with all the things I mentioned in the previous paragraph, I think about dying a lot. It's easy to convince myself as of lately that my life is totally purposeless, pointless, a waste of time. I am so finite. I am tired of living in this fallen world. I'm tired of the walls that occur between brothers and sisters in Christ, I'm tired of sinning against God and my brothers and sisters in Christ, I'm tired of oppression, I'm tired of not being able to feel loved at all, I'm tired of performance, I'm tired of the walls of the Church being so high--not because the bible says to build them but because of finite humans. I'm tired of seeing kids stuck to become a product of their surrounds, I'm tired of injustice. I want to go home, to be with the Lord. But a paradigm exists within me. I know eternity is set in the hearts of man. I know I desire to be with Christ. Yet I am afraid of eternity because I don't know what it looks like. I am so finite.

Yet...

" If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more neceessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I willr emain and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow.." Philipians 1:22-26a

What shall I choose?

I'm so thankful that God has given us His word to turn to in trials and seasons of all kinds, whether great or small.